My One Man Army

B. A. B.

B. A. B.

I came out all sweaty & palpitating with my presentation boards from the print shop. I was fortunate that the funny shop owner considered that I pay the remaining fee I owe him on Monday. Spending too much on school works like that is really a sore. The guilt can only be removed by the thought that the content of the very expensive paper works are worth it. I tried the best that I can.

My college days are where I am still allowed to experiment techniques & explore new forms in architecture. Whatever criticisms or compliments will be fine. As long as I don’t present with the professor speechless, I grow well.

My boards were placed on the very top-the reason that I was called soon even if I haven’t gathered yet my wits & sweat from the recent outdoor rush.

My works of art were on the professor’s hands. 

During that moment, I didn’t know if I was supposed to do oral defense. The first thing she asked me was what was the university( a college, actually) for. It is followed up by a question that I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t even bothered to read the CHED guidelines in building schools.

I know myself very well. I admit the fact that I’ve done research, but not enough. I started my work early. I know I really worked hard & almost given my all. Others don’t know because I keep my success & joy in low profiles. One of the things I learned from the one I love is being minimal & humble. My work’s not  enough. I am not fussing about not being enough. I accept it because it pushes me harder. Art & architecture are one of the things that have lots of revisions that I am getting used to.

“Bat kayo naglalagay ng mga bagay na di niyo alam?” It is the same thing in life where why you do things that you have no idea about. It’s because I’m too brave to take risks. If I haven’t done it, how would I know the circumstances? Life is more than reading notes or spoon feeding. The better way to learn is to experience it yourself. It is the same as asking if that certain person is a kind one but the one you asked told you to find it out yourself.

The problem here is I didn’t even spoke my opinion. Sure I don’t have CHED back-ups, but I have a design objective. I was really affected when I was sauted by my professor because I’ve realized something that connected the dots. It was something that was already here but I failed to realized earlier. One of the reasons for my unhappiness is:

… that I have been ‘defenseless’ in my battles lately.

I wasn’t able to defend my perspective to the one I love, to the one who took advantage of me when I need shelter, to the one who was almost my friend, to the ones who were supposed to be my friends, to my hard working mom, my ever nagging that-I-should-eat often Lola, to the ones who thought I have a shallow opinion in everything. My professor wasn’t the reason of my breakdown at all, because that is already in myself. She only helped me realized why & how I can help myself.

If only I defended myself, things will be better. Deep down, I know I have a voice that can speak out. I just did’t know where the consistent ‘Best in English’, ‘Best Character Performance’, ‘Most Active’,  & other characters of me went. I have strong opinions that I am too scared to explode. I really have to keep on working on how to deal with not-so-understanding & hard-headed people so my fears will lessen. 

I have been fighting my battle alone, because I believe I am strong enough. I don’t want to mention the ‘D’ word anymore because it’s too lame. I marked every sign from the checklist, but a specialist didn”t confirm it yet. Gosh, I don’t need a doctor. God wouldn’t give this kind of dilemma if he knows I can’t. Sometimes, I feel people’s concern. I appreciate it, but I don’t give my full trust. Everyone knows that the only who can help deal with this pain is yourself.  Right now, I am finishing my school requirements with flying colors, hopefully. I’ve been working out for a new sport. I’ve been eating McChicken Ala King for comfort.

I will stand up with my chin held high & back in a slightly arched way. And Ma’am, thanks for giving me wisdom that I can apply outside of architecture.

Thank you. ❤

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