What do you know?

Did you even asked if I was okay?
Did you even asked me how I was holding up? As long as you guys got what you need, I’m out of the question. As long as I work hard to be there, no one even made an effort to do the same.
Did you even asked me if I was happy? When I’m ecstatic or depressed of random events, it’s quite alarming that the first ones to know is not you.
Did you even asked me what I need?
Do you know how many hours I spent in my room thinking?
Do you know how many pillow cases & tissue papers I spent crying on? Do you know how many kitties I directed my wasted affection until they died? Do you know how hard it is for me to continue in a profession that needs a lot of burnt eyebrows to master the list of specializations in the construction industry? Do you know that in order for me to survive is to kill myself to be on the top to get noticed by future clients and employers? Do you know that whenever I get projects or plates, I get scared because I don’t think I can make it or I can’t create the best development ever? Do you know that I’m pressured to stand on my own such as building my own office or being a student leader – even if no one orders me? Do you know that I’m forced to change my religion even if I’m not ordered to do so, because I have no choice because if I don’t do it –  I cannot keep some relationships because that thing will bind us? Do you know that I want to be in a permanent place but I’m still finding out where? Do you know how much pressure it is to be in a home where someone expects you not to have your pet cat poop or wee even if it’s a living thing &  hopes that you get a job and diploma soon to help raise a living? Do you know that at school & house people put knowing stares at me because I’m different or because of a past mistake? Do you know that I blame myself everyday for someone’s death? Do you know how hard it is to be with an immature partner who makes you the last option in his routine when I allot time whenever he calls? Do you know that only the kittens are the sole companions that I have? Do you know that I do not know what to do with my life? Do you know how much I want to see the stars in the Planetarium but you can’t even afford to come with me? Do you know how much excited I am to see Architect Manosa’s Filipino Architectural exhibit? Do you know that I do not know where is my rightful place? Do you know that I lost my trust in everyone and everything? Do you know that I feel like everyone’s pertaining to me as a joke or a commodity? Do you know that I’m tired of my ‘friends’ who tell me that everything is going to be alright but it isn’t? Do you know that I think I only need a comforting embrace from someone I trust but I am now slowly losing my reliance?
Do you know that I paint in my room to energize the place where I feel all the gloom – to at least color the empty, dark, and hardening heart that I possess?
Do you know?
Do you know me?
Do you know that I need you?
If I will be gone, will someone look out for me just like the way I do? Will you find me like I used to do? Will they even miss me? Will they ‘do something’ because they miss me?
It seems like that I’m always out of the topic. I’m always out of the bucket list. I’m always out of the priority lane.
YOU KNOW ME. I’ll be there for you like just a call away.
It seems like we do the sacrifices for people who can’t even do the same for us.
Charot.
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